The Power Of CAN

When discussing the power of personal choice and how we act and react in situations, people inevitably want to discuss those times when they just can't control what they do in a certain situation.

‘Can't’ is an interesting word. My mother always used to say, “‘There is no such word as ‘can't’. You can do anything if you try hard enough.” I learnt that what “can’t” really means is that you either do not want to do it or you do not know how to do it.” Over the years I have made a point of  encouraging peeople to drop “can’t” and repeat the sentence, saying what they mean. 

When people say they can't do something I invite them to recall a time when they did manage to do the desired activity, or think of a person who has done it. Logically, if you have managed something before, then you can do it again. If someone else has done it before it means it can be done. People say they cannot help speeding until they see a police car and suddenly they can stay within the speed limit. Or they say they can't control themselves when having a heated argument and then an authority figure walks past and the whole mood changes, or the phone rings and they greet the person on the phone calmly, or certainly not as angry as they were just speaking. You have a choice. It's not an easy one, but you have one. A great place to start is to look at what you CAN do.

Sometimes if you are feeling threatened, stressed and under pressure, it can activate your flight, fight or freeze mode. This releases cortisol in your system and can shut down your prefrontal cortex, which is where you do rational and logical thought processing. It is worth learning strategies to help you intentionally calm down in these situations. Start with what you can Control, take Action & Notice what works for you.

Control: In most situations, you have control over yourself. One of the best strategies is to learn how to breathe intentionally. Fast, rapid, uncontrolled breathing triggers our fight or flight mode. Controlled breathing triggers our parasympathetic nervous system, sometimes called rest & digest. There are many proven methods that can calm you down quickly and effectively. In the military, they teach box breathing. Breathe in four times deeply through your nose. Aim to fill your lungs with air. Hold your breath for four seconds. Breathe out for four seconds. Hold that for four seconds. Then repeat. It is called ‘box’ because it is four times four. Some people trace their finger around their other hand breathing in as they go up a finger and breathe out as they go down. I like to practise breathing by doing four repetitions of box breathing, three times a day. Some people use their meals as prompts to practise or set an alarm on their phone. When the pressure comes, you don’t want to be thinking, ‘Now how should I be breathing?’ You want it to be a default, so that when you are under pressure, you can intentionally activate your parasympathetic nervous system rather than defaulting to fight-or-flight mode.

Act: Knowing something is useful but it is the acting on your knowledge that makes the difference. When you focus on what action you can take it changes the way your brain works. It can help to ask others what works for them and to reflect on a time you responded differently because you took advantage of the pause and used that moment to react differently. Write these down to refer to and recall.

With your reference in mind, think about a situation you find yourself in frequently where you would like to behave differently. It could be the way you engage in meetings at work, how you behave when you get home at night, or your responses to others when you are under pressure. How could you use the gap between your feelings and your response? Ideally, think of one small, repeatable action you could do. For example, you could count to 10 in your head before responding, deliberately take a deep breath before answering, or repeat back what you heard by saying, ‘If I heard you correctly you are feeling/thinking…’ Practising this helps it to come more naturally when the pressure is on.

Notice: Being continually intentional and deliberate with thinking is not something many people initially find easy. People say it sounds like hard work that will require discipline. Anything worth having initially requires effort. I suggest you start by picking one thing. Practice keeping one small promise to yourself, like taking a breath in to create a deliberate gap before answering, and you will find you get better.

It also helps to review situations. Once you have control on your emotional state and/or have calmed down enough, you can reflect on what happened and what you could do differently the next time a similar situation arises. Choosing a different pattern of thinking leads to different outcomes.

Here's to your success!