You Matter
People need to know that they matter and that what they do makes a positive difference. You do not need to ‘change the world’ to feel like you matter. As the lovely saying goes, “To the world you might just be one person, but to one person you can be the world.” Maslow famously depicted people’s needs in a pyramid, from basic physiological through to safety, social, self-esteem, and self-actualization. Irrespective of where someone is on the spectrum of ‘needs,’ believing you matter in the moment and to those around you will help people persevere. Daniel Pink laid out three key generators of intrinsic motivation—autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Again, woven through these is the thread that your purpose matters. You, as an individual, can do something. You can get good at things, and these things matter.
This is where community is so important. Humans are social animals. The more they feel like their presence and their actions positively impact those around them, the more self-efficacy they are likely to have. You’d do well to apply that principle every day with the people you meet. Aim to catch people doing things right. Encourage them in their pursuits. Set people up to succeed and speak life into them.
Mother Teresa identified how important this is many times over her lifetime:
“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love.”
“There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.”
“The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty—it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”
People need to be reminded that life is for living. In this increasingly divided world, with its ever-expanding demands and expectations, many people live under a feeling of condemnation, be it self-inflicted or from others. When you are solid within your own identity and not needing outside validation to know your worth, it allows you to more easily see others for who they are and to identify the good within them.
I am not talking about flattery. I am talking about giving the gift of a compliment, helping people to see the good within that they might not be allowing themselves to see, or might not be aware of. Speaking life and positive words to people and taking actions that help others succeed!
When people realise the good things they do and their innate worth, it helps them to do and bring more of the same. I’ve seen it at work. The cumulative effect of this positivity is to engender more of the same. It is amazing how seeing the good in people helps them see it in themselves and others.
I love the example of Jean Valjean in Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables. The priest was so kind to him, and yet he steals the silverware, is caught, and is presented back to the priest with the stolen goods. Confirming the silverware is a gift, the priest chides him for leaving so early that he had forgotten the candlesticks. His encouragement to use the silver to become the best version of himself and his response captures the power of belief and encouragement. Jean Valjean positively affects so many others.
Constantly looking for the good in people does not mean that you stop giving necessary constructive feedback. When we look at a person’s intent behind their behaviour, it can help us see what they are attempting to achieve. If your desire is for the best for the other person, you will bless them with both positive and constructive feedback. Being specific about what’s happened, and being kind and caring in sharing what needs to happen or has to change, provides people with the opportunity to improve and grow. People rarely know how to change or what to change. You don’t know what you don’t know, and without feedback, it is easy to keep making the same mistakes.
There is a powerful ripple effect of aiming to catch people doing things right. Make a habit of actively thanking people for any way they serve you. Do this on every occasion possible. The act of seeing how others serve you grows your gratitude. The more you look for it, the more you train your brain to see all that is good in the world.
Sometimes people feel shy and don’t want to talk to people. They especially find talking to strangers awkward. People also tend to brush off compliments, and it can leave you wondering if people actually like being thanked. It seems to make them uncomfortable. This is a sad reflection of our culture. People do not get enough genuine, heartfelt positive feedback. It does make a difference. Start with a simple “Thank you. I appreciate it.” Be authentic. You will see and experience the difference. It works. Gratitude and appreciation help people feel good about themselves (and it helps you feel good too).
