Illusion of Control: Crafting Your Life's Narrative

Identity is the way you see yourself as constructed in your own mind.  You act out of your identity. Understanding this is like opening a door, like an invitation to take control over your own life. Your life to date has been shaped by experiences, people and circumstances that you likely accepted without much thought or questioning. Many people relate to feeling directionless, like a ship lost at sea. They feel like they are buffeted from one storm to another, doomed to face whatever comes their way.

 It does not have to be that way. Instead of being on the sidelines watching, like a spectator, you can choose to be an active participant, a player on the field in the game of life. Becoming a participant is like moving from passenger to being the driver and captain of your own life. Taking hold of the wheel requires skills to learn how to steer along a course you want to go rather than where circumstances might be blowing you. Deciding you want to own your life is a mental gear change. This decision replaces the victim mindset, where you believe life happens to you, with a victor mindset where you accept you have control.

The concept of having control of your life does not mean there is some magic elixir that grants you superpowers. No cape or ability to fly, sorry.  It also does not mean you get to control life. No god levels powers either. Rather, it highlights that there is a lot more that you are able to control about yourself and within yourself, than you currently do in your every day. 

A great starting point is one you will be familiar with - your emotions. Or, more accurately, your reaction to your emotions. Emotions serve a multiplicity of  purposes, from helping us navigate situations in our lives, connecting with people and ‘feeling’ life in all its glorious complexities. They are a necessary guide in life. The danger comes when they start to drive your life. 

If a close friend was to say to you that you had green hair, what might your response be? 

You might think they were colourblind, or pulling your leg, or that they were losing the plot because you both know that your hair very obviously is not green.

Now, what if they were to say that you're lazy? How would you respond?"

You, like many people, would likely be surprised and defensive. You would know the statement was not true. You might quickly call to mind examples of how exceptionally hard you work. And your  irritation would be accentuated by the fact that you know your friend knows how hard you work.

If you can relate to this, reflect on your different responses. You know your friend knows you do not have green hair. You can hear them say that and hold the comment away from yourself and realise that the comment and the observation were theirs. Why, when they make an equally untrue statement, because you know they know you work hard, does it stir such strong emotions?

For many people it feels like an attack on their character. (Feelings are messages to the brain. You can intentionally choose how to interpret these and how to respond)

This simple illustration quickly shows you have more control over your emotions when you don't tie your identity to an external message. This is an essential part of crafting your identity.