Happiness Formula
‘Time management’ is one of our most requested courses. As you cannot manage time, only yourself within the given time you have, we call the course ‘time optimisation’. What you want to manage is your attention, focus and energy. You get more of what you focus on so it is important to focus on what you want more of. What do you tend to focus on when reviewing yourself and your team?
I encourage you to focus on your strengths and what is right with you and your team. Many people are more prone to notice when things go wrong rather than when they go right.
The book ‘The One Minute Manager’ popularised the concept of aiming to catch people doing things right. Since we get more of what we are looking for, it helps to look for more of what we want.
A lot of what you think and do is driven by the expectations you feel you need to meet. To a degree, society is formed around expectations that people feel obliged to conform to. The ‘culture’ of a family, team, group, business comes from the areas you emphasise and those you underplay. This includes expectations you set on yourself as well as expectations set on you by others, society, your beliefs, your culture, and even the government. To add to the weight of the expectations you operate under, there are often your internal judgements, opinions, filters and prejudices. When you can see, acknowledge, and accept this, it can help you understand why you and others behave in certain ways. This insight enables you to be more deliberate around how you craft your life. Most people want to enjoy life and be happy.
There is a lovely formula used to calculate happiness, often called the 'happiness formula’. It is simple and easy. You take your current level of expectations for a service, a relationship, a product or an experience and you then subtract your current reality. If you are in the positive, you are likely to be happy. If you're in the negative, you're more likely to be unhappy. The ‘workings’ unveil how expectations are correlated to your happiness.
Imagine you suddenly decide you will eat out and pick a restaurant close by. You have little expectation of anything other than hoping they have a table free and a nice meal. When you arrive, the place is packed and you expect to be turned away. Then a friendly young waitress greets you warmly and says she will clear a table for you. She leads you across to a table with a lovely view. The music is great, and the service is exceptional, especially considering how busy they are. To cap it all off, the meal is surprisingly tasty. It would be fair to say you would be very happy with your choice.
Conversely, imagine you booked to go to an upmarket restaurant for a special occasion to treat your spouse. You arrive on time and are made to wait. The maître d’ barely bothers to look up to greet you before pointing you in the direction of your table. The waiter takes a long time before he brings you the menu. You have to ask for the drinks menu and again you wait for ages. The place is a little chilly both in temperature and in the general vibe. The food is lukewarm and expensive. It would be fair to say that you would be unhappy about this.
The gap between your expectations and reality is amplified when people retell their experience and leave online reviews. Online reviews highlight the human tendency to focus on how we felt about something. People tend to research logically and purchase emotionally. If we feel good, we look for things that affirm our feelings. If we feel disappointed, let down, or disrespected, we then look for further ‘evidence’ to justify our feelings. This is why so many online reviews are emotive, use feelings as descriptors and then have supporting stories and illustrations.
Your upbringing, culture and worldview help set your expectations. Much of your frustration will come from unmet expectations. Social media amplifies this, creating a comparison culture. Here is a truism worth noting: ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’
When I talk about unmet expectations, I am not talking about clear expectations set when assigning tasks or delegating work. I am talking of your tendency to subconsciously and continuously set expectations for yourself and others, which are vague or undefined, often not communicated, usually unrealistic and often with an unrelated reference point.
People in new relationships often experience this as they come out of the ‘honeymoon period’ of the relationship. Little things start causing tension and unreasonable irritability. On the surface, they are so minor it is laughable: squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle, leaving the toilet seat up, not laying the table on time and even the way each other cuts vegetables differently! The assumption is the other person would do it the ‘right’ way, which was the way we expected it to be done.
Noticing and talking about these things early (rather than expecting your partner to have ESP!) is what helps relationships to be strong. When expectations are not clearly understood and agreed upon, it can leave you feeling like you are never good enough, always chasing your tail and continuously trying to please those around you (as well as your internal critic) while aiming at shifting goalposts and changing game plans with undefined rules.
How clear are you of the expectations of you in your role? This might be in relationships, at work, on a sports team, in a committee, as a volunteer? Are they realistic? Have you ensured you are clear on what is expected of you? Are your expectations on the people and team clear and realistic as well?
The ability to focus, be in the present moment and be content with your progress, goals and achievements is one of the keys to happiness and living a fulfilling life. Many people spend their whole life trying to meet the expectations of others, both real and perceived, and, in the process, rob themselves of choice and enjoyment.
Bronnie Ware wrote a book inspired by her time as a palliative carer, recording the top 5 regrets of the dying. The number one regret of those dying is ‘I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me’. You are unique. Don't rob the world of your uniqueness by trying to be something you are not to please people who often do not care.
There are expectations one has to meet. It is important to ensure that you are choosing to meet agreed expectations. When you consider the expectations you currently feel you have to meet, are you choosing them because you want to do them or because you are trying to ‘people please’? Will you look back with regret at your actions or know you have done the right thing? Are you being who you want to be and becoming someone you can be proud of?
