Change Your Perspective

I have found a particularly empowering and liberating way to view change in the realisation that life does not happen to you but rather for you. I used to be quick to blame circumstance and outside factors. Over the years I noticed a pattern in my thinking that was not serving me well. When something I considered bad happened I had a tendency to ignore the lesson in the experience. I was therefore doomed to repeat it. Life had this uncanny knack of creating a very similar situation, usually more intense, until I learnt something I needed to learn. A significant example for me was my poor communication skills. As a young kid I had an early growth spurt and was larger than my peers. I was impatient and wanted to have things go my way. Through a combination of excessive talking and size domination I usually got my own way. And lost friendships. As my peers and brother caught up size wise I landed up having more fights and less friends. At some point I realised that I needed a better strategy. I began to rely a lot more on talking skills. This was a much better option but, in an attempt to gain friends, I over-compensated. Rather than express my opinion, I erred towards people pleasing: saying and doing what I thought others wanted. The lack of communicating paired with a ‘peace at any price’ approach was a significant factor in the breakdown of my first marriage. It was a hard lesson that “peace at any price” gets very expensive. 

Over a tough three year period, I explored the part I had played and had to admit to myself that, once again, my communication skills were lacking. I worked on my skills around timely and authentic communication before getting into another relationship. Over a decade later I am blessed to have an incredible marriage to an amazing woman. As with all relationships, it requires work. The difference is I am a better communicator. I learnt the lesson. 

What lesson is life teaching you? Life does not need to happen to you, you are not a victim of some external force, unless you choose to be. Seeing everything in life as happening for your good allows you to be intentional. You get to choose. It is your choice. Will you let life happen to you or for you? The difference lies in your decision to ride the wave of change or be blown about on the seas of change.

Take a moment and reflect on your journey through life. What have been some of your pressure points? With the benefit of hindsight can you see what you learnt? Knowing what you do now, how would you behave if you had to go through those situations again? Knowing who you were back then what skillset or knowledge were you lacking or are still to learn? What pain did you have to go through and overcome, and would you do it again knowing the future outcome? What might you need to do now, looking at the patterns of change and applying them to your current position? Sometimes when I am stuck I find it helpful to ask what the cost would be of doing nothing.

Change will happen. You may know the Serenity Prayer, ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.’ I have always liked the original version, attributed to Winnifred Crane Wygal, which put courage first, ‘Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped and the insight to know the one from the other.’ Accepting change, looking at what you can do and what you can control, and then acting on this builds resilience and self-confidence.