The Power Of Listening
I was incredibly blessed and privileged to be asked to be the marriage celebrant by my stepdaughter for her upcoming wedding. Along with all the study required for the formal side, I embarked on reading up on how to have successful relationships. The common theme across all materials is the importance of communication. The thread of understanding and being understood is a core principle. Learning how to talk so people listen and listen so people will talk is an essential skill in business as much as in marriage.
The interesting dichotomy is the need to take complete ownership of the message when delivering it without feeling the need to own the response and reaction. Obviously, delivery and timing matter, and a dash of discernment in these areas goes a long way! Most relationships can be improved if you take ownership of your feelings while also seeking to understand another's perspective. Learning to speak up and express yourself can avoid bottling emotions, which tends to create and fuel negative energy, skewing your perspective to see more of what is wrong. The seeds of discontentment, if not weeded out, grow to be the vines of resentment, choking your worldview. A key is being curious - seeking to understand, listening to connect dots and see reasoning before responding with one's own perspectives, connections, context, and reasons.
Your perspective does not need to invalidate another person's perspective. Their reality creates their world. Rarely is there an absolute right and wrong perspective. Most often there are shades of grey coloured by upbringing, culture, education, and beliefs. If you do not take time to understand another's perspective, your best attempts to show respect can backfire. I emigrated from Zimbabwe to New Zealand. Very shortly after arriving, I was invited out and asked to “bring a plate.” I remember thinking it was very strange that someone in a ‘first world’ country would not have enough plates and wondered about also bringing a knife and fork. Arriving at the person's house, I saw other people bringing plates with food on them. The term “bring a plate” in New Zealand is a way of saying that the occasion is one where people will bring and share food. This is only one of many embarrassing faux pas I, and many other immigrants, have experienced navigating a new culture.
Communication reflects the humans that utilise it - it is messy. Hurt people hurt people. People judge and assume. We have biases, opinions, beliefs, and defenses that all compound to complicate the delivery and receiving of messages. You cannot control other peoples' actions and reactions to what has happened and is happening in their life. Their sources of information may allow them to create stories in their minds that justify their behaviour. In this modern era, social media accelerates the spreading of news, views, and opinions. Much of the news is biased, and there is a growing proliferation of propaganda and stories purely designed to get clicks. In creating the identity you want and in becoming the person you want to be, learn to be curious and choose what you feed your mind.
Which relationships do you have that could benefit from being more curious and listening to understand?
