The Empowerment Dynamic
Take a moment to review your internal dialogue. How do you talk to yourself? Is your mind a safe place to retreat to? If you mess up on something – maybe, in a company meeting, you knock a glass of water over on a table – do you respond by calling yourself an idiot or a twit and dwell on how clumsy you are, or do you just apologise and wipe it up?
When I ask these questions in a training session it is common to have well over half the room admit that they don't say the nicest things about themselves or to themselves. People typically don’t like making mistakes, messing up and making a fool of themselves. That is understandable. The growth opportunity is to review whether it is the critic or coach who is guiding you. Are mistakes learning opportunities or points of condemnation? Another way to look at this is to consider the question, “If you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself, would you have any friends?"
It is a great check-in question to see if your internal dialogue could do with some reconditioning. You can control your internal chatter. Being the author and master of your internal conversation is an exceptional skill to have. You live with yourself all of your life. It is worth ensuring the company is worth keeping!
When I started being more aware of my internal dialogue it resembled more of a high action movie screen or classic drama where I was inevitably the protagonist. For many years I considered this to be a good thing. In my mind I always came out on top. I always looked good. I saved the day! Whilst, on the surface, it was not a bad internal dialogue, it was not a healthy one.
Discovering Stephen Karpman’s Drama triangle was a much needed reality check. He identified that drama required three roles: a victim, a persecutor/villain and a rescuer/hero . The drama triangle was a key part in understanding that I needed to look good, and be approved of by others. Even in my own mind! My propensity to envision scenes where I was the hero was merely a form of escapism. It was an easy exit door from tight deadlines, hard projects and unpleasant tasks. Not only was my internal dialogue facilitating my procrastination habit, but I realised that my scripts meant someone else had to look bad. I needed the spotlight. This realisation helped me flip the triangle. In the flipped triangle, sometimes referred to as ‘the empowerment dynamic’, the hero/rescuer changes to a coach who helps the victim take ownership for their life, choices, decisions and reactions, therefore enabling them to become a creator. In a creator mindset, the persecutor/villain is seen as a challenger.
It took time to develop my internal voice into more of a coach. A healthy internal conversation allows you to coach yourself and be kind to yourself - which in turn allows you to be kind to others. When you realise you are the creator of your reality, it is empowering. You look for opportunities and improvements for yourself and others. This flip in mindset is reflected in your external behaviour. Rather than dragging other people down to your level so their success doesn’t make you feel bad, life becomes more about lifting others up and celebrating their success.
Are you, your family, friends, colleagues lifting each other up? Are you looking for opportunities to coach and encourage yourself and others? How different would your life be if your mind was working with you and for you?
