Lasting Change

To have what others do not, you must do what others won't do. To be all you can be requires stopping things that are holding you back, even if in the short term they are pleasurable, and starting what helps, even if in the short term it is uncomfortable. When you learn new information and apply it, one of the challenges (and disappointments) is finding that very often others are not as excited as you about the changes you are making and your new understanding, growth, and new direction. 

People are naturally sceptical of sudden change. Your enthusiasm and initial application might pique their interest, but often it is a change that sticks over the long term that people find more convincing. It helps to understand that some people don’t want you to change. Some people don’t want to ‘lose’ you and how you make them feel comfortable where they are. If you change for the better, you become an example of what they could be if they did what you have done. For some, that is scary. For others, it is a screaming testament to their acceptance of mediocrity. Finding yourself in this position can challenge your resolve. It is natural to feel a sense of obligation to those you care about. Remember, the better you are, the more positive impact you can make in the long term. Continue to keep your focus on looking inwards and discovering what you can change within yourself. Wasting energy trying to convince people why you are doing what you are doing is a fruitless escapade that is more about feeding your ego than growing your self-esteem. You will have a better chance of changing others and your world if you start by changing yourself first. Choose a standard. Strive for your standard. Be an example.

As you grow and develop your identity, it pays to develop your introspective ability. Introspection is about looking inward at yourself more and developing the skill of examining your own thoughts and feelings. It is about understanding why you do what you do—from the things that frustrate you about yourself to your success factors. Being aware is the ability to observe yourself and how you act and react. As I mentioned previously, observation will only get you so far. Being intentional is about doing the work. You start when you know why you must make decisions. 

Change can be a slow process. It took you years to get to who you are and where you are today. In much the same way, reprogramming your thinking and default responses requires work. Thankfully, change can happen in an instant, and becoming who you want to be is something you can act on immediately. This is where introspection as a skill is so valuable. You identify where you need and want to change by looking at the areas you want to improve within yourself.

Not everybody can identify where they need to change. Some people don’t want to change. For some, it is a dangerous lack of self-awareness. For others, there is fear and/or limiting beliefs. Sometimes, if people want to improve, you can help them. That is what personal and professional development plans are for. People are on their own journey, and when they are ready and want to change, you will see their interest develop into effort and action. Focus on working on yourself. You are responsible for creating the best version of yourself. Remember, this is not an exercise in finding fault within yourself. It is about seeing where you need personal growth if you are to positively affect and impact a situation. Looking internally needs to be done through the lens of a coach, not a critic. Look for where you can improve, not for reasons to beat up on yourself.

This often feels uncomfortable. There are several reasons for this, the most common being the challenges of your current identity. Many people identify themselves by their flaws: be it quick-tempered, clumsy, forgetful. When people face change, or even the prospect of change, it challenges their known world view and security. Who are you if you are not “clumsy/forgetful/quick-tempered”? 

It can help to write up a mantra clearly defining who you want to be. Reading this daily is a powerful way of reprogramming your self-image over time towards your ideal self.

often have their identity in their primary role. My first 13 years working were in production. I did not realise how much this was a part of my identity until I immigrated and moved into a sales role. Salespeople had been the bane of my life. They seemed to always be over-promising, and I had to deliver on their ridiculous promises. I saw reps as liars who drove around all day having coffees and socialising. Suddenly, I was one of ‘those’ people! This feeling was compounded by the fact that New Zealand houses are built totally differently than houses in Africa. I had gone from being the Technical Production Manager who knew ‘everything’ to an immigrant who knew ‘nothing’.

Change often confronts you with the realisation that you have some area of lack, be it skill, knowledge, or ability. If I am not who, and how, I see myself, then I am confronted with the question, “Who am I?” It is a disconcerting feeling when you don’t know who you are. Doing the uncomfortable work of accepting the gap you have and taking the action is worth it. Doing introspective work grows your sense of autonomy, agency, and efficacy.

Being clear on who you are and who you want to be makes you less reactive to circumstances and more centred. The clearer you are on who you are as a person, the more you decide how you respond in situations. You change from a thermometer (that just reads and responds to the environment) to a thermostat (that decides and dictates the environment it is in).

Here is a quick exercise to add to the work you have already done:

1. Review the self-image description of the person you would like to be/who you would like to become. Add to this a list of valid reasons why you are (or could become) that person.

2. Read these two daily, at least, so you become very conscious of them. This ideal self-image should be front of mind most of the day.

3. Attempt to act and think like you are that person already, as best you can.

It may feel strange at first, but eventually, you will become very comfortable with that vision of yourself, and then you will start behaving like that kind of person, most of the time.